"And there occurred a sharp disagreement . . ." Acts 15:39
Spiritual growth is a messy process. Mishandling conflict creates confusion, hurt, it can prompt fear, anger. When handled redemptively, it can create love and trust. God is a good God and wants nothing more than to bring restoration into our brokenness.
As we move toward wholeness, we will find our doubts, anger, and frustration intensify. Don't give up in your quest to be free of your hurts. Sometimes the more negative feelings that surface, the nearer we are to God. There are no tidy spiritual growth formulas. The truth is, it gets worse before it gets better.
Don't let this defeat your hope. You are in good company. David, Jeremiah, Job, Habakkuk, were among the godliest people described in scripture. They suffered excruciating verbal, physical, and spiritual conflict. But they kept on walking with God. They pushed on towards intimacy with God. But their path led through deep struggle, they passed through a great furnace of doubts. It gets worse before it gets better.
David, instead of withdrawing or quitting on God, lamented in Psalm 13:1-2, "long enough God you've ignored me, long enough I've looked at the back of your head, long enough. Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain. Take a good look at me God, I want to look life in the eye so that no matter can get the best of me."
These are some raw words David spoke to God. This passage has received little attention because it's shocking to see that such a godly man as David could have such dark feelings. Modern day Christianity has focused more on palpable feelings toward God, rather than becoming godly.
We set the stage for redemption by valuing our relationship with Him so much that we refuse to pretend everything is ok when it's not, we refuse to pretend, we trust Him when deep in our heart we don't, we refuse to pretend we are happy Christians, when we are deeply infuriated by His actions.
Write a gut honest prayer to God, don't hold back, don't be polite.